Why does sex always feel like a show? It’s like there’s this ideal way of doing it – smooth, sexy, you come tumbling through the front door (someone has managed to open it mid kiss) and fluidly begin to remove items of clothing, as you fall from the wall to the bed, the lights dim, Stevie Wonder comes on and the woman naturally triple orgasms within 3 minutes.

So I a very tiny bit cheated here…. But a sleep orgasm doesn’t count, right?? Female orgasms are magical, mystical things. Did you know that 1 in 10 women have orgasmed when working out?

MY VIBRATOR ARRIVED, IT MAKES A MOCKERY OF ALL THINGS GOOD, HOLY AND… god DAMN. It’s so PRETTY. It’s smooth like a baby dolphin…