day 29
Why does sex always feel like a show?
It’s like there’s this ideal way of doing it – smooth, sexy, you come tumbling through the front door (someone has managed to open it mid kiss) and fluidly begin to remove items of clothing, as you fall from the wall to the bed, the lights dim, Stevie Wonder comes on and the woman naturally triple orgasms within 3 minutes.
In real life, it’s a constant battle between what is human and real, with what is polished. It’s so rare to see depictions of sex in film and tv that show someone hitting their head on a door midway through, farting accidentally or somehow managing to lose the condom and fishing it out in a glorious display of teamwork afterwards….
In the best scenario, sex should feel like an extension of a conversation. Just another way to show affection, in the same way that a hug, hand touch, shared laughter says i like you, stay with me here for a while. In lots of my sexual interactions, it can feel like they lack true intimacy because we’re both so worried about “performing” well. I once went on an incredible date. The southbank, many bars, endless deep conversations about family, mental health, life ambitions, wheeling out our best anecdotes etc.
In real life, [sex] is a constant battle between what is human and real, with what is polished.
And then as soon as we got back home and started taking our clothes off, the intimacy evaporated from our interaction. It was disappointing, and I didn’t really understand how it had happened. It’s like I stopped being the human version of me, and became another species entirely. Or maybe that it didn’t really feel like it was me he was seeing, just another body. After laughing so much all evening, there was this muted quality to it. I’m sure it wasn’t helped by the fact that I also lived with my brother at the time and had very much snuck this gentleman in…. but, still.
In long term relationships, something I’ve yet to properly experience, I’m sure this goes away. You give up on trying to impress the other person, whipping out all your best moves and just go with what feels natural and good. Although, maybe not. A lot of my best guy friends talk about performance anxiety all the time. One friend finds that there’s so much stress around lasting ages, or making sure his partner feels good that he’s unable to reach climax. Another who can’t maintain an erection with a condom, one who cannot finish from blowjobs because previous partners were obsessed with making him cum that way, and another who has lost all confidence in his ability to go down on a woman after she laughed midway through, or the guy who hasn’t been able to orgasm since breaking up with his boyfriend. It’s a deeply psychological thing, for both sexes and there’s a real misconception that men are just hard, slick, sex machines, capable of getting it up in a snowstorm. (Probably not, but you get my drift).
One friend finds that there’s so much stress around lasting ages, or making sure his partner feels good that he’s unable to reach climax.
For women the anxieties manifest themselves a little differently, do I smell okay, I haven’t showered since this morning, do I look good? Does he/she like this? They’re not being super vocal so I can’t tell… What happens next? Do I need to reciprocate. Is it rude if I don’t…. Slightly to the left, oh no lost it. Is it rude if I suggest getting my vibrator out. I can’t cum from this, should I say something? Hope my flatmates can’t hear us. These are the voices which go unspoken.
With all of this mental anxiety-ping pong going on, is it any wonder that we fall back on pretending, performing occasionally? It would be almost overwhelming to reveal these things. To allow real intimacy with someone else, is to be truly vulnerable. It’s to share the anxieties around sex and work through them. Maybe that’s the missing key. How can you have a satisfying conversation, when you’re holding so much back?