Playing it cool is thoroughly overrated. I’m just going to come out here and say it. And also in a pandemic world, why bother? The classics are: leave it a day to text back. Don’t initiate contact or the first date. Ignore them at the party. Flirt with their friends. Don’t watch their instagram story. But when dating is mostly virtual at the moment, how do these rules translate? No one notices if you take a while to text someone back on a dating app. Most people run through phases, a high octane swipe session, ignoring or deleting the app for a week, and then like a cheap drug, coming back to it. 

Why does sex always feel like a show? It’s like there’s this ideal way of doing it – smooth, sexy, you come tumbling through the front door (someone has managed to open it mid kiss) and fluidly begin to remove items of clothing, as you fall from the wall to the bed, the lights dim, Stevie Wonder comes on and the woman naturally triple orgasms within 3 minutes.

As someone who structures their day entirely around food: what to have for breakfast: eggs and bacon if it’s a real weekend feasting or granola if I’m pretending to be classy, then a mid morning summin’ summin’, nicely interspersed with many a coffee bought from sexy barista A – which I absolutely cannot afford – and then culminating in the pinnacle of the day, lunch / dinner and lastly DESSERT, but I’ve had absolutely no appetite this week.