day 4
MY VIBRATOR ARRIVED
day 4
MY VIBRATOR ARRIVED TODAY, IT MAKES A MOCKERY OF ALL THINGS GOOD, HOLY AND… god DAMN. It’s so PRETTY. It’s smooth like a baby dolphin and has these plush, aesthetic pink tones like sinking into a creamy sunset sky. I had to turn it on, just to... you know, see how it works. To make sure there weren’t any issues. I’m really just doing the manufacturers a favour here. Smoothing out any electronic probs. Testing for bugs. Can you tell I work in tech :) :) :)
I read the instruction manual, the actual living breathing instruction manual. I don’t think I’ve ever read a manual for anything. I never read the smallprint. I’ve signed my soul away to pretty much every online shopping site, shitty train wifi, or streaming service, waiting for my next hit of interweb induced endorphins as I get high off buying yet another floaty summer dress from urban outfitters, or hurtle along the train tracks failing to stream yet another episode of Gossip Girl. But today, today I’m reeeeaal into the smallprint. I’d pretty much do anything, just to be breathing the same air as my Puff vibrator. Puff! What a cute word. Wonder if it’s meant to say something about how stratospheric the orgasm is? Puff! First you’re here, now you’re not and in some mildly comatic post orgasmic state. aaaaah.
Spent my lunchtime googling “what happens when you don’t orgasm for ages”, FYI, not good things. Not good things guys. These were some highlights, to be honest it sounds vaguely like I’m going to become a Miss Havisham type figure, crusty white dress, sectioned to a single room, going mildly insane and wondering where the hell my vibrator is. That’s why she’s in there for so long, isn’t it?
These were the highlights of my research, NAY medical exploration into the negative impacts of no orgasms for you, a short poem:
Vasocongestion (I had to google it too) is basically blue balls for women which I’ve NEVER EVEN HEARD OF. Isn’t that mad. Basically if you’re aroused and don’t act on it, it can cause you to feel “heavy” or “achy”. THRILLED to be here!! Blessed.
Decrease in sexual desire – would absolutely LOVE for this to kick in sometime soon. I’m really hoping at some stage over this next month my vajiné will just disengage due to lack of use, like the batteries in a remote. (Is that how batteries work?!) And then I’ll feel calm. Surely it’s not fair that I’m still capable of feeling sexy, but then not actually getting to reach satisfaction.
Spent my lunchtime googling “what happens when you don’t orgasm for ages”, FYI, not good things. Not good things guys.
So... who KNEW. But apparently I use caffeine, chocolate and masturbation to regulate my mood!! Definitely not the most enlightened thing I’ve ever written. I feel reduced to a teenage state, like a boy wanking into a sock and hiding each one under his bed so his mother doesn’t find out. (They always do by the way). The little pick me ups, a coffee in the morning a wank, well, who are we kidding, pretty much any time of day (is there any other perk to WFH), has left me feeling quite out of sorts to say the least…. It’s funny that I have to resort to typically quote unquote “male” points of reference to express sexual frustration. Try and think of some phrases for womxn, antsy? Hysterical? Frustrated is pretty neutral. Think it just shows we’re far more used to men talking about it comfortably in conversation, or culture. Either that or no other woman has been MAD enough to attempt this. Will try to come up with some new ones which don’t make it sound like I’m in a Victorian novel fanning myself with a glove.
It’s funny that I have to resort to typically quote unquote male points of reference to express sexual frustration.
The voice notes have started rolling in.. thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has already shared, you are wonderful and I love you all lots already. If you’re thinking about it and worrying what you have to say might not be the right thing, not funny/ enlightened enough or too sad / too menial / too MUCH a thing to admit to, well, you’re talking to the girl writing a blog LITERALLY about wanking and her obsession with food for all the world to see. So you’re amongst friends! And it’s anonymous too. So all it’ll be is your sweet, sweet voice, hopefully making somebody else on the interweb feel a little less alone in their un/satisfaction too.
BIG KISS (with tongue) Tiffany x x x
Send me a voicenote here.