day 34
You always remember your first time. No, not that first time, forced upon us by a patriarchal narrative. The other one. Your first big O. Sexual experimentation / self love/ wanking whatever you want to call it, even now is still quite a taboo topic for women. Men, on the other hand are allowed to have strong sexual appetites and are far more at liberty to discuss sex and wanking, (who hasn’t heard at least one sore wrist or tissue related joke) without shame, or being labeled an ‘over sharer’. Even running 40 days has still raised a few eyebrows.
For most of the time humans have been on this earth, female sexuality has been considered some kind of ‘illness’, to be controlled and treated by distant professionals. Termed hysteria (Victorian), ‘suffocation of the womb’ (Middle Ages) or ‘pelvic disorder’ (late 1880s)- historically it’s been something clinical and embarrassing to be cured and repressed. Common symptoms apparently included ‘fainting, anxiety, sleeplessness, erotic fantasy, excessive vaginal lubrication’, or as they eventually realized in the 1920s, good ole’ sexual frustration.
A friend recently admitted that when she first discovered mastubrating, she thought she was the only one in the world who did it.
Self love is not something that gets discussed when you’re growing up. Puberty, sex, pregnancy, sure but MASTURBATION, no that would be obscene! I vividly remember watching Will & Grace, when I was about 7 and hearing them talk about an “orgasm” and feeling thoroughly confused. In fact, I’m pretty certain I asked my mother what it meant. (Why didn’t I just google it?).
My first orgasm was pretty accidental, and surprisingly late in life after having a bit of a sexual awakening watching a film and seeing someone masturbate, I thought, that doesn’t look so hard. It was a lot of failing and trying. But once I’d figured it out, it became the best game of all time. In the morning, I would always feel so guilty. So dirty! As if my parents could sense my nighttime activities as I breezed into the kitchen in the morning to inhale my nutella on toast. One friend recently admitted to me that when she first discovered mastubrating, she thought she was the only one in the world who did it. As if it was a perverse affliction, a burden which she had to bear, which is bleakly hilarious. But totally understandable! That’s the level to which our generation of women at school did not discuss it.
Typing in www.sex.com and not deleting my search history, was my first mistake
Early on, in my exploratory phase of sex, before it was even a twinkle in my eye I remember typing in www.sex.com. Not deleting the search history was my first error. I think my dad assumed it was my brother (wow apologies bro) and I definitely didn’t correct him….. A lack of openness around sex when I was young, makes me worry what subliminal impact its had on my sexual relationships now. Shame is a power emotion. It of course depends on your upbringing and family dynamic, but sleeping in a separate rooms if you brought someone of the opposite sex back, having the fear of god put into you about pregnancy, never being told about masturbation and it stemming from this hidden, ne’er discussed section of your life must surely shape how open you are in communicating your needs to a partner? It also forces you to get your information from incredibly misdirected sources. No one should be initially learning about sex from porn, but I would bet that is more often than not the case. The average age most are exposed to porn is 11. 11! Just let that sink in for a minute.
Nowadays, you can get a vibrator in all shapes, sizes, and discretely shaped receptacles. Lily Allen has her own vibrator line, so too does Gwyneth Paltrow and Dakota Johnson. Celebrities normalising self pleasure has no doubt had a huge impact on the way in which women feel at liberty to discuss it with each other. Not only do my friends and I now suggest sex toys to one another, we’ll openly share what content we use to help get us there – erotic fiction/ female pleasure centric porn sites / good scenes from steamy Netflix dramas, you get my drift.
Aside from the fact that orgasming is chemically proven to improve your health (increased levels of oxytocin, decreased stress levels) it also increases self confidence and can make sex a lot better. So feck the shame. Take control of how and when you orgasm, and talk about it with your friends, your partner. Demystify and destigmatize the female body. As RuPaul once said- “if you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else, can I get an Amen?!”.