day 33
I wouldn’t say I have a bad relationship with alcohol, it’s more... inconsistent. It’s sort of like how I imagine a fuckboi thinks about the fleeting object of his affections. I’ll go months not drinking at all, not even thinking about it or wanting to drink, then come back with a vengeance. My friends have a phrase for such nights. They’re what they call my “go rogue” affairs. Usually they revolve around rum (dark obviously, occasionally spiced) and lemonade, as my drink of choice – trust me, it tastes like vanilla – and probably obsessing over someone unimportant. You know the kinds of nights, you end up doing something impulsive, regrettable, kiss someone you shouldn’t, take over the playlist at the party and play exclusively Taylor Swift tracks or early J-Lo hits, and proceed to walk up to everyone at the party announcing who you think they are, and whether they would like to join a small dance troop this evening?? I also went through a phase of vlogging my experiences from the union bathroom at university, dressed in a garbage bag, or a hawaiin lei, and sending them to the fans (aka my best friends). Why? Who knows.
Parties have been pretty hard to come by over the last year (no s••• sherlock), so it’s been a while since I’ve had a night like this. But I remember hearing in a random Reese Witherspoon movie with Owen Wilson (I love her, she’s my idol and I will hear NOTHING bad said against her), that “you shouldn’t drink to feel better, only ever drink to feel even better”. I think it’s a pretty good rule to live by. And almost always on these rogue nights, I have not been feeling good. The alcohol has been the perfect prop to send me giddy, so I can confuse having fun with feeling disconnected from where I am.
You know the kinds of nights, you end up doing something impulsive, regrettable… you take over the playlist at the party and play exclusively Taylor Swift tracks or early J-Lo hits
It is so strange that alcohol is such a socially acceptable drug. If you were handed a delicious meal, but somewhere in the small print it said it would make you throw up, give you a 12 hour headache, and feel queasy for a whole day, would you do it? Or would you think, nah better not. If I’ve had a “go rogue” night, I’ll usually end up not drinking at all for a few months after. This is always viewed very suspiciously by people in any kind of social gathering. Like I’ve got a sign out saying “fun sponge”, or that I may be judging them for drinking excessively, which would be pretty hypocritical. It’s a strange phenomena though, I always feel like I need to have an excuse… I’m getting up early for work tomorrow. Had a tummy ache today. Just saying you don’t feel like it, is always looked at as bizarre.
The truth is, I feel just as good on nothing at all. If not better, actually. More attune with myself, aware of where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m enjoying. If the music is right and I’m with the right people, I don’t actually need to drink. Even if it is a nice, relaxing ritual. If you can’t have fun with your people unless you’re absolutely hammered, you probably need to reconsider the people you’re with. I feel much more myself when I’m sober. If I’m drunk, I’m like a big adult child, my most basic needs come hurtling out at full speed, I’m hungry, horny and tired and demand all three to be fulfilled simultaneously.
If you were handed a delicious meal, but somewhere in the small print it said it would make you throw up, give you a 12 hour headache, and feel queasy for a whole day, would you do it? Or would you think, nah better not.
The process of giving up alcohol has made me think about its purpose more deeply in my life, more than I suppose I would have otherwise. I miss opening a bottle of wine with friends, or sitting in the park with some G&T tinnies, but I don’t miss the crippling self doubt the morning after a “ go rogue” night. The “funny stories” recounted to me, of everything I did the night before, as I half listen, half dreading it and the other not wanting to be taken by surprise. I don’t think I’ll have another night like that again. If I’m not having a good night, I think I’ll just leave! Hah! How revolutionary. If I don’t want to drink, I just won’t…. Plenty of people have said similar, that they’ll become more picky with their time, lockdown may have given plenty of us a backbone.
I do wonder though... if we’ll fulfil these ideals once we’re out of lockdown. To say yes more, or say no more, depending on what kind of person you are. Or whether this whole year will feel like a distant dream so quickly, I’ll be so desperate to reabsorb life, the sweat, the dancing, the flashing lights and kisses up against the walls of house parties, that I’ll forget the promise I made to myself to only do what I want to do, one night in late March when the world was still closed, and I’d forgotten what it felt like when your favourite song comes on, you’re coming up and it feels as if the whole universe is just planets made up by your friends, revolving around you in the smoky air. I’m already there…. and I’ve lost my train of thought already… what was I promising again?