day 13

“The doctor will explain everything when you come into the hospital for your appointment.”

Okay…they said I should call to hear a little about the results, before?

“Did I not call you yesterday?”

Um...no, I missed your call, and they said you’d ring me back. 

“Oh... okay well. You had some abnormalities in your screening, but it’s no cause for concern… They’ll talk to you about it at your appointment. Okay bye now! Take care.”

My body has served me pretty well my whole life, I don’t know if I’ve done a particularly great job of taking care of it, a lot of broken fingers from my early (misinformed) netball days, cracking my chin and then head open on separate occasions once on a trampoline, the other in the playground, and all round just being pretty accident prone. This week, I somehow managed to absolutely deck it in the bath (!) when I was reaching for the shampoo. It’s such a small space! How! 

I was desperately searching in the subsequent paragraphs for sparkling letters, all caps with a Mariachi band chanting “DON’T WORRY, WE KNOW THIS SOUNDS SCARY, BUT IT’S ACTUALLY REALLY CHILL, CONTINUE ON EATING YOUR LUNCH YOUNG LADY”. 

But me and my internal organs, we’re on pretty good terms. Getting a form after my cervical screening test informing me that I had “High Risk HPV and low dyskaryosis”, I pretty much shat myself on the spot. The subsequent sentence of the letter doesn’t go into any detail on it. How concerned you should be. What it actually means in plain English. Nada. Anything vaguely medical jargon-y sounds obviously, like it will cause inevitable death. I was desperately searching in the subsequent paragraphs for sparkling letters, all caps with a Mariachi band chanting “DON’T WORRY, WE KNOW THIS SOUNDS SCARY, BUT IT’S ACTUALLY REALLY CHILL, CONTINUE ON EATING YOUR LUNCH YOUNG LADY”.

The next section of the letter simply states: “we are pleased to inform you that we have booked you in for an appointment at the hospital to do further checks.” PLEASED? Whose pleased here. Me? Why are they pleased. What a weird turn of phrase, WHO is writing these letters. WHY is it a letter. Can the NHS not join the 21st century and get on board with email for god's sake. After some intense googling (just call me Dr. Black), I discovered that something like 1 in 3 women tests positive for HPV after a cervical screening, and it really isn’t a cause for concern. I asked around and plenty of friends have also had similar results and have turned out to be absolutely fine or just had the abnormal cells removed. The whole point of these early cervical screenings is to prevent cervical cancer, catch it before it becomes a real issue. But without my support network of women, and a really quite natural desire to understand what on earth was going on with my body using the interweb, a phone call like that, with a no doubt over worked, over stretched nurse, could have really left me in a bit of a tailspin. All I really wanted was reassurance, and to be palmed off to the next person with authority, making vague assertions it would “all be explained at the hospital”, was certainly not that. 

Even my googling was met with many a dead end, when it comes to causes for HPV, smoking, taking the pill for more than 5 years and childbirth were said to be potentially linked to it but that the RISK IS NOT WELL UNDERSTOOD for those last two options. Sorry, excuse me? How is that a legitimate response to ANYTHING on the NHS website. Friends who have chronic illnesses have told me of their frustrations to be taken seriously by the medical profession, to find the right doctor who doesn’t just talk them down, especially if it’s related to “reproductive” organs, there’s just this big fat blank drawn. Or, the countless articles I’ve read in which women are less likely to be given effective painkillers and are more likely to wait longer in the emergency department. (People more clued up than I have written on this phenomena extensively). 

Also, if you’re reading this and received your letter recently informing you that you’re due for your cervical screening test/ over the age of 25 and a woman BOOK YOUR APPOINTMENT NOW DON’T BE AN EEJIT. And here endeth the lesson, Amen.  

My hospital appointment isn’t until April, but the smear test was not exactly comfortable, shan’t lie. Also what’s the correct grooming etiquette here, am I supposed to get a wax? Or attempt to do one myself… who are these women who manage to give themselves a wax so casually? Acrobats? Cold hard killers with stratospheric pain thresholds? Or, do I shave a little? Would the doctor appreciate a polite landing strip. Do they give you weird paper underwear like they do at the beauticians? Is there small talk? “Got any holidays planned? And can you open your legs a little wider to let me access your cervix please.” 

Also what’s the correct grooming etiquette here, do I get a wax? Or attempt to do one myself… who are these women who manage to give themselves a wax so casually? Acrobats? Cold hard killers with stratospheric pain thresholds? Or, do I shave a little? Would the doctor appreciate a polite landing strip.

Turns out, they had to flip my uterus or something. I’m not really sure… that’s almost definitely not accurate. But essentially the “donut” they kept referring to to access the correct cells, was facing the wrong direction. I was focused on doing quite a lot of deep breathing. Comfortable it was not. It makes sense to be honest that my uterus is backwards. I feel like I’ve been trying to do everything backwards for most of my life, and life has just fallen around the chaos whilst I march on with blind faith. 

So, don’t forget your cervical screening. And hold establishments that undermine women’s pain or medical diagnosis accountable. And that’s the sauce for day 13.