day 14
Dancing has always been the time I feel most unselfconscious about my body. It feels easy. There’s no thought about how I look, or whether or not I look good, I just feel good. I miss that feeling. The feeling of dancing in a sticky floored, sweaty club somewhere and being so acutely inside of my body, the bass thrumming through my bones, squeezing the hand of my best friend when the beat drops, and screaming to assemble a force of women anytime any Britney/ Cascada or Sean Paul (he’s an icon, okay?) inevitably comes on.
It’s the time I feel most effortlessly sexy too. There’s a sense of power that comes when you’re dancing and owning your own body. A shimmer of recognition runs through the little group around you, because as each one of you gives into the music and dances with a little more wild abandon, you give each other the confidence to really, truly let go. It’s the thrill, the feeling of being looked at, but secretly knowing that it’s not for anyone else.
There’s a sense of power that comes when you’re dancing and owning your own body.
Recently, I’ve started dancing again, normally slap bang in the middle of my living room, hair flying, leggings and my dad’s old t-shirt providing the “fit” for the occasion and much to the bemusement of any inhabitants that happen to live in the flats opposite.
It’s been a great way to release tension at the moment (tension WHO what ME? WhY), having very few other ways to let it all out… It’s kind of amazing to me that just how someone moves their body to music can change the air in a room. Make it fizzle and crack, sometimes when it’s with someone else, or even just by yourself. It’s hard not to feel completely disassociated from my sexuality at the moment… but I’m finding ways to to try and connect with it. Moments to feel good when it is just for me. What does my sexuality feel like, if it’s not for somebody else? I’m still figuring it out.
Recently, I had the first sex dream I’ve had over this 40 day period. It was strange, it almost felt like I was at a performance, rather than an active participant. It was about someone who looked like my ex, but wasn’t, (but maybe was?) in that way in dreams where someone is both completely physically unfamiliar, but you have absolute certainty that you know exactly who they are. In my last relationship, sex became something I (honestly) dreaded. My attraction had dissipated and everytime it happened it felt like I was watching a rerun of a bad episode of a TV show I didn’t really like, the jokes were forced, the laughter canned. It felt like I’d set up shop at the end of the bed and someone was offering me various snacks but all I really wanted was a proper fry up, so had to keep saying “no thank you, I already ate”.
Recently, I had the first sex dream I’ve had over this 40 day period. It was strange, it almost felt like I was at a performance, rather than an active participant.
I stayed in the relationship for longer than I should have, out of a weird sense of obligation. It was a lonely place, and a guilty one where I could sense how much she still needed and wanted me, but I just couldn’t find where that initial spark had gone. It’s beginning to filter down into my mind, that disassociating from my sexuality isn’t really dependent on my being abstinent, like I am now, or to be honest, is even really about somebody else…. I suppose I just need to try and understand, how is it that I both want the feeling of security that a relationship brings, but always feel so restless and out of my body once it arrives?