day 2
You know that game you play when you’re trying not to think about something, so you repeat it to yourself, “don’t think about a red elephant, don’t think about a red elephant” and then all you can think about is sex? That’s my brain right now.
It’s like the fact that I can’t masturbate, makes me so much more painfully aware that the very concept exists. My new vibrator arrives on Monday. I spent a quite frankly OBSCENE amount of money on it, imported it from the states (bougie), it’s one of those suction vibrators that basically claims to make you see stars, bless jesus and cum in minutes or Jeff Bezos will give you a free donkey ride to mars and all your money back or something. Basically fucking bliss if you’re in the middle of a pandemic and single af. I think I’m going to have to get rid of it. Create a box of illicit items and force my co-bubble friend to take it, plus the bags of caffeine I pre-emptively ordered for this month and shove it in the back of her wardrobe.
I definitely feel more tightly wound up, I don’t think I’d realized how much I’d come to rely on my little rituals to book end the day and disengage from the inane minutiae of lockdown. I miss going on a walk and picking up a coffee, the height of excitement at the moment, but a sweet JAUNT outdoors, just doesn’t have the same spark to it if there’s no treat at the end.
There’s something so intoxicating about being in a coffee shop, waiting in line, gripping your monzo card, tossing up whether or not to get a pastry (yes obviously), reaching the front of the queue, and it’s your TURN. You’re the chosen one, making your order, small talk, extra points if you get a laugh out of the barista, the surly, sexy one with curly hair.
You hear about the vegan graphic design business (?!) he’s started with his brother, sounds weird, but he’s hot so you let it slide. Is there anything actually more life affirming than flirting with a barista? The sound of the coffee machine goes, bliss bliss bliss. Chocolate on top? Yes, what actual psychopath actually says no. And then he hands it to you, and even before you’ve drunk it you can already feel the warmth starting to spread from your lips to your finger tips through to the rest of your body into your toes, because, eurgh, sometimes the anticipation of that first sip/ kiss / bite, is even better than the act itself.
I’ve somehow, inexplicably and VERY stupidly developed a crush over this period… Recently, I started a zoom writer’s group and now have an enormous intellectual boner for my teacher. I’ve managed to build out an entire persona based on the books I can see in his bedroom, the little snippets of information he shares about his cat, his girlfriend and the life they share. More on that tomorrow, can’t think about it too much or this 40 day experiment will rapidly just become a 48 hour affair.
From someone missing her caffeine hit,
tb x