day 11
“Justice for fingering”
This may seem like an unusual hill to die on. But somehow, lying out in the garden, eating a fluffy loaf of white bread with pots of humous everyone is tucking into (but no one can quite remember who bought) drinking G&T’s and anticipating the moment when the sun will set and it gets too cold to stand being outdoors in early March, it was where we chose to lie.
Fingering gets a bad rep. We associate it with Molly Mayhew being fingered in a bush at a house party when we were 15, not the foundations that adult relationships are built on, and yet…. When did all sexual interaction become so predicated on leading to the big bad deed? Whatever happened to a passionate make out session that led ‘nowhere’.
Lesbian sex is occasionally labelled as “not real sex” by the aggressively hetero purely because there can be penetración involved. But of course, it absolutely is and to label it as such undermines the love, sexual experience and relationships of an entire community. And who made up these rules anyway I ask you Nelly?
When did all sexual interaction become so predicated on leading to the big bad deed?
Whatever happened to going slow? Or not going anywhere at all. Even in a long term relationship, foreplay can still feel quite mechanical or the means to an end. In most instances, if I stopped a sexual interaction before the main deed, it would be seen as if something had gone wrong, whether it be with a man or woman. It can sometimes still feel like everything that isn’t sex, is just the pre-amble. It’s like we’re all still stuck in the mindset of 15 year olds gossiping in the school corridors, wanting the approval of somebody or a group of the cool kids to be able to say “ yep, we did the dirty”.
Every woman I know has a story about ending up having sex with someone they didn’t want to. There have been times where it’s felt like the easier thing just to give in, rather than bear the awkwardness of nicely phrasing “No thank you I don’t want to have sex with you right now”, and transmuting it into the nicely padded out language of “I don’t think it’s a good idea… I’m on my period…. I’m tired…. we have plenty of time for that.” More often than not, in those kinds of instances, in which it feels like being coerced into having sex, it has less to do with the act or relationship itself and is more about the person doing the coercion, wanting other people’s approval. This is divorcing poor behaviour at this level from assault of course, which has a far more malicious intent, and occasionally they’re not that different. The guy wanting approval from his housemates, a pat on the back at breakfast in the morning. The post match debrief. The raucous cahoots that follow when you close the door after leaving. If you’re having to coerce someone into giving consent, it ain’t consent. Say it louder for the people at the back.
Maybe it’s just that there needs to be a more fluid, ready acceptance and lack of expectation, that every time clothes are off it doesn’t mean it can only end in one way, whether it’s the first time you’ve seen someone naked or the 234th.
Every woman I know has a story about ending up having sex with someone they didn’t want to… where it’s felt like the easier thing just to give in
People have asked if I’m still intending on dating over the next 40 days and 40 nights, and I am…. One guy said it was misleading, assuming that most of the people I match with are only after one thing…. and it’s not my sparkling personality or excellent curry making skills. But, I think it’ll be quite liberating in a strange way, knowing that my impulsive nature isn’t going to get in the way. I think my judgement will be far less clouded by that ole chestnut of desire, and leave me instead with two questions: do I feel good about myself when I’m with them and do we really connect. But Kissing is still allowed though, right? It’s my goddamn blog, I make the rules. Kissing’s allowed.
BIG KISS xxx